WHO WANTS TO BE A VAMPINAIRE ?
by xxtwilightemoxx
Summary: Emmett - being Emmett - has a 'great' idea to invent a vampire game show for vampires ! Super funny , persnal questions will be asked , better then it sounds - plz read. Instad of winning money u win blood ! inclouds : Edwards private parts , Maggie's bra , a holiday to Translyvania and so much more .PLZ REVIEW AND READ ! IT IS T FOR SWEARING , BETTER THEN IT SOUNDS - I HOPE !
1. Chapter 1- Emmett the genious

**Okay , I know I already have a lot of stories to update but this idea is so funny so I had to write it down .**

**Who wants to be a vampernaire ?**

**EMMETTS POV **

I was sitting in my bedroom with my gorgeous wife Rosalie , we were watching a game show called 'who wants to be a millionaire ?' I wish there was vampire version of this , where you win blood . "I HAVE THE BEST IDEA EVER !" I turned off the TV , grabbed my Rose by the arm and went down stairs to my family – Carlisle , Esme, Edward ,Bella ,Renesmee ,Alice , Jasper and Jacob – they all looked up at me . "Let's create a vampire game show !We can film it and send it to all the Vampires we know!" My family looked at me like I was insane . "Come on it'll be fun." Carlisle opened his mouth to speak ." Why not , just as fun !" After that , everyone else agreed ."Okay Emmett , explain the purpose and rules of this game ." Edward said. Everyone looked at me ."Okay , it'll be called who wants to be a vamperaire, just like 'who wants to be a millionaire ' We'll ask questions like 'who was turned first ; Caius , Aro or Marcus ? Or which of these city's has the biggest vampire population ? We'll also have little side things like physical challenges ; using vampire speed or without , you have a minute to dress a ferret in a knight outfit or something .Instead of winning money , you win blood ! First contestants will be Carlisle , Edward and Jasper , I'll be the host and the rest of you guys can be the audience , eventually vampires from all around the world will be contestants . Plus if you're in a coven ; there will be a family round – where you asked really personal questions about your coven – for example ; what do you think is whoever whoever's cup size ? It'll be great !" We all nodded and arranged a stage and lighting and other shit like that before we filmed the show !

I AM A MOTHERFUCKING GOD-DAMN GENIUS !

**SOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT U THINK ? PLZ UPDATE , IT WILL BE FUNNY THE NEXT CHAPTA (AT LEAST I HOPE ) SOOO RULES AND STUFF WILL BE EXPLANED MORE – SUPER PERSONAL QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED – PLZZZZZZZZ REVIEW ! REVIEWS= MORE CHAPTERS !**


	2. Chapter 2- Rules and commericals

THNX 4 THE REVIEWS , I PROBALLY SHUDA UPDATED THIS SOONA BUT IM A LAZY BITCH WITH UTHA STORIES 2 UPDATE 2 , U SHUD CHECK 'EM OUT ! IF U LIKE THIS U MIGHT LIKE EMMETTS IDEA: A TWILIGHT TRUTH OR DARE!

STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS TWILIGHT !

**WHO WANTS TO BE A VAMPINARE ?**

**EMMETTS POV**

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO SMART , I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE ELSE SAYS I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DUMB . I PUT ON A TUX WHICH WAS SPLATTED IN BLOOD , I PUT IN FAKE FANGS AND PUT ON A BLACK , VELVERT CAPE WITH A RED INSIDE ON AND PICKED UP A MICROPHONE !

"Emmett let's start , Jacob will film it ." Jasper said . He , Carlisle and Edward will be todays contest's. Jacob hit record and I entered the stage that my family and I built . Jazz , Eddy and Carlisle sat behind this big lighty-up desk thing . "Hello , I am Emmett Cullen and your some poor sucker who has to endure watching this ridiculous idea of a game show but please , continue watching !"

"We – The Olympic coven – better known as the Cullen coven , have decided to amuse you all by creating a vampire game show , only to be shown to vampires , let me explain the rules !"

"**The rules are : **

**You must never cheat ! If you are wondering about Edward's ability to read minds then we also have a shield in the family so no further questioning on that .**

**You must obey every rule , every physical challenge and answer every question whether the answer is wrong or not .**

**If you're in a coven , you MUST play the coven round . **

**If you're not in a coven you MUST play the rounds given and MUST not pretend to be in someone's coven , we do have a mind reader in the family , if you play when you're not in a coven and then you join a coven and that coven play on the game show after you've joined you may not participate again ." **

"**Here Is the purpose of the game : To amuse ourselves and make others feel bad about themselves , as well as humiliate others ! Only joking , your responsible for your own actions . The point of this game is to win blood for yourself and your coven , it saves you the hassle of hunting , every point is worth 50 blood bags . If you reach a million blood bags then you win a million blood bags , 50'000 pound/dollar/euro/yen or the currency from your country . You may spend that money in a destination of your choice , the cost of your vacation provided by us ."**

"**I will now explain what you will do in the game : There will be three to six consents , first round will be multiple choice – you'll be asked questions like : Who is the oldest Aro , Marcus or Caius – you'll be given three options to choose from . Round 2 , will be a physical challenge , with or without using vampire speed (we'll decide , depending on what mood were in) you will have to dress a parrot in a tux or something . Round 3 , will depend weather you're in a coven , if you ARE in a coven , then you'll be asked embarrassing questions how old was your coven leader when he/she lost her virginity ? If you're NOT in a coven you'll be asked to estimate things like do you think Sulicipa (Aro's wife )has ever given Aro a blowjob before ? And Edward will know the answer from reading his mind , he'll be like our computer for this game show . "**

**After this commercial break we will play the game . **

_**Commercial break: Emmett appeared on the screen dressed as an old lady, standing at a bus shelter alone waiting for the bus . Jasper (dressed in a vampire cape and fangs ) was about to bite him/her . Emmett/granny turned around and hit Jasper with her purse . "Does this always happen to you ?" Rosalie asked stepping on the screen . "Old grannies attack when you're trying to hunt ? Well it doesn't have to anymore ! Our new product : The granny smacker 2000 , will knock out your granny unconscious whilst you drink her blood ! BUY IT NOW ! " Across the bottom it read : This idea is completely fake and stupid , just tear the stupid bitch apart as it adds to the thrill of the hunt !**_

_**Next commercial : In Edward and Bella's cottage , they were lying in bed naked covered in blankets (they had no idea this was going to happen !) Emmett walked in "Hey guys lets wrestle !" Emmett boomed , completely naked and unaware of the cameras (Emmett pulled the blanket off ) Edward sat on Bella covering her body , Edwards grabbed a pillow and covered his cock . "Are you sick of your pervert of a brother walking in on you and your mate whilst or after fucking ? Well try the COCK BLOCKER! The amazing new product that covers your cock whilst you wrestle the guy who walked in on you and get him the fuck out of your house ! THE COCK BLOCKER IS A FLOATING , FABRIC IN THE SHAPE OF A COCK WITH DRAWN ON PUBES ! IT WILL MAGICALY FLY TO YOUR COCK AND NOT FALL OF SO YOU CAN BEAT SOMEONE UP AND THEM WILL NOT SEE YOUR COCK ! ALSO TRY THE ARSE PROTECTOR ! IT WORKS JUST LIKE THE COCK BLCOKER AND WILL COVER YP YOUR ARSE WHISLT YOU KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR DUMBASS MOTHERFCUKING BROTHER! " In very small writing at the bottom it read : This is an incredibly stupid and pointless idea , it is also fake , please buy!**_

**OKAY THNX 4 READIN' PLZZZZZZ REVIEW ! NEXT CHAPTA WILL ACTUALLY BE THE GAME, I TAKE A WHILE TO GET TO THE POINT OF MY STORIES ! BUT STILL ! REVIEW!**


	3. Chapter 3-More commericals and the show

**THNX 4 THE REVIEWS ,I HAVE 6 OTHER STORIES TO UPDATE TODAY, SO IF THIS IS SHIT I DON'T GIVA FUCK! IF U LIKE THIS U MIGHT LIKE EMMETTS IDEA: A TWILIGHT TRUTH OR DARE!**

**STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS TWILIGHT !**

**WHO WANTS TO BE A VAMPINARE ?**

**EMMETTS POV**

"Welcome back to Who wants to be vampinare ? Hope you enjoyed the commercial break!" I winked at the camera

"Okay, time to meet today's contestants !" I walked over to Jasper , Edward and Carlisle .

"Okay , Carlisle Cullen , tell us about yourself ." I said to my coven leader .

"Hello , I'm Carlisle Cullen and I'm married to a wonderful and beautiful women and have seven wonderful 'children' who I adopted , I work as a doctor ."

"Very nice , now is it true that the reason that Forks Hospital are running low on their blood supply because , during your break you go in there with your swirly straw?" I asked him .

"Why no I would never do that!" He exclaimed whilst I laughed uncontrollably .

"Okay Edward Cullen please tell us about yourself ." I said to Dickward who was sitting in the middle.

"Hello , I'm Edward Cullen , I am married to a beautiful woman and have a beautiful daughter and I can play the piano ."

"Is it true that you were a 109 year old virgin before knocking up a random human babe?"

"No comment." He would have been bright red if human .

"It's true , I've lived with him all my existence ! Okay and the final contestant is Jasper Hale/Cullen , tell us about yourself !"

"Hello I'm Jasper Hale/Cullen and I am married to my beautiful wife and I am very fascinated by the American Civil war as I was part of it myself ."

"What's your obsession with My chemical romance ?" I asked .

"IM NOT A FUCKING EMO YOU PRICK!" He yelled .

"Sure you're not !" I said patting his back before turning to the camera and rolling my eyes .

"Okay round 1 , every point is worth 50 blood bags , buzz in if you know the answer ." They nodded .

"How big was Abram Ham linkings dick ?" They sat they're unsure what to do . Jasper buzzed in.

"Pass ."

"No passes , all questions must be answered weather right or wrong !"

"Um , an inch and a half ?" Jasper said .

"Trick question , he didn't have one . How many legs do Llamas have ?"

"Four ." Edward said buzzing in .

"Correct , if humans were born with no blood what would happen ?"

Carlisle buzzed in "Then the human race wouldn't exist as they'd be unable to live without blood?"

"Wrong , then vampy's would be fucked! Complete this line 'Jacob has…..' "

"Smelly dog farts ?" Jasper said pressing his buzzer .

"Correct , how many grapefruits does an average woman stick down her bra before exiting her home?"

"Two?" Edward said when he buzzed in .

"Correct , How many pubic hairs does Justin Bieber have ?"

"Trick question ?" Carlisle said when he buzzed in .

"Correct , cause just like Abram he doesn't deserve one!" I said .

"Okay , end of round 1 , you have won so far : three points , totalling in 150 blood bags !"

"Round 2 , multiple choice ! First question : Who wrote the book '' 100 ways to get a virgin vampire who insists on getting married before you fuck each other senseless ' by ' Emmett McCarty ' was it Joey Jordson , Emmett McCarty or Santa ?" **(A/N: YOU HAVE TO READ MY STORY The Cullen's daily existence :A bunch of random one shots TO UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE , BUT YOU MIGHT STILL GET IT .) **

"Um , Emmett McCarty ?" Edward said looking confused for some strange reason .

"Correct! You should read that book , it's a bestseller !" I said .

"Okay , who sings 'Suck my balls' ? Was it Simon Cowell , Jasper Hale/Cullen or some random dude somewhere in the world possibly ?"

"Um , the third option " Carlisle said .

"Correct , please join us after this commercial break!"

(End of his POV)

Emmett came on the screen dressed as a ballerina , he was spinning around . Alice then came on and pushed him over "HAHA YOU FAGGOT!" She yelled and stormed off , Edward appeared on the screen and said : "Bullying is shit but it sure is amusing , don't ya think ? if you see bullying tell a trusted adult or someone who can help , blah , blah , blah , who gives a shit?"

Next commercial: Bella was dancing around the room singing thank you for the venom by my chemical romance unaware she was being filmed . Alice then came in and started to jump up and down until her pants fell down to reveal underwear that had Carlisle's face right on the crotch . (The picture on her knickers `were put on , she wasn't really wearing them) it then said in small writing at the bottom 'this is not an advert but purely for your entertainment !'

**Review! Please!:) **


	4. Chapter 4-Edwards dick

**Okay my boyfriend dumped me , I am looking after our son , don't have much time to update so don't nag me ….**

**If u like this story read and review my new one shot : Alice and the $80,000 tampon!**

**Who wants to be a vampinaire ?**

**Emmett's POV**

"Okay welcome back after the break , hope you enjoyed those commercials , cause I sure did !

Right round 3 : TOTALLY FUCKING RANDOM ROUND!

Question 1 :Llama ?."

"Animal ?" Asked Carlisle .

"Wrong , correct answer was Beaver , Lady Gaga ?"

"Singer ?" Edward questioned .

"No corn beef ." I answered back. " Nipples."

"Body part." Jasper answered .

"NO FROGS ALLOWED IN THE STUDIO !"

"There are no frogs in the studio ." Jazz said .

"I know , that's the answer – you have won 0 blood bags in that round , I'm sorry – right maybe you can win more in the physical challenge . Pick someone to dress this ferret in a tux ."

"Edward will do it." Carlisle said after a discussion with his sons .

"Okay Edward , please put on this airy costume ." I told him .

"Why ?" He asked .

"Cuz you'll look funny in it ." I said simply , he shrugged and put it on .

"Right , without using vampire speed , please dress this ferret in a tuxedo – OR FACE THE PUNISHMENT – WAHMAHWAHAHA !" I love my evil laugh!

"Okay ."

This was funny , the ferret kept clawing his face , not that it hurt him . The ferret then started to break dance on his shoulder and it kept running away so Edward BIT IT!

"You…killed it…" I said lost or words .

"Yeah , guess I did ." He said .

"Put the tux on it – we'll have a funeral for it at the end of the show ."

He did as told and he then went back to join the other contestants .

"Right! Coven round – in this round – if you're stuck on a question do you may phone a family member . Two members of the players will run miles away until they unable to hear and the remaining member will be asked really , embarrassing family questions , so Jasper and Edward , please run 10 miles , you'll receive a phone call from me . You must not discuss previous answers when you go the 10 miles. "

They ran 10 miles away .

"Right Carlisle , how many times has Jasper masturbated over your wife ?" I asked .

"NONE!" He screamed .

"Wrong , four ." I said.

"How many years has Edward viewed porn through laptops , TV's and magazines ?"

"Um , never ."

"To this very day ."

"How many teeth does Jasper have stuck to his arse ?"

"Probably none , but knowing you and your craziness I'll say 6 ."

"No none – weirdo !"

"Does Edward eat pubic hair on the couch in the living room ."

"I SHALL HOPE NOT – NO I'LL SAY ."

"Correct , he eats it in your bed and at Wall mart – end of your round. "

"How'd I do ." He asked .

"You're a terrible farther now run 10 miles ." I said to him , he did so and I pulled out my phone and called Eddy .

"Hey prickward, time for your round!" I said before hanging up .

He showed up and sat in the seat where Carlisle had sat .

"Why does Carlisle have to cocks ?" I started off .

"Um , he doesn't …." He said .

"How'd you know ? You seen his cock ? Do you suck it ? Does Bella get boring ? Do you play doctor with him ? Do you get a check-up or Dr .Bloodsucker ? Do you then ?"

"I'm not answering ."

"You have to , those are your questions . "

"Um , well I have not seen him naked nor do I want to , if I haven't seen him naked I certainly haven't given him a blow job , we do not play doctor as he takes his profession seriously and I spend my time with my daughter or my wife – who I am not bored with ."

"Does Jasper believe in mermaids ?" I asked .

"No ."

"Wrong . What was the most recent time Carlisle hoola hooped in front of the Volturi naked ? "

"He's never done that ."

"Yesterday." I said . " What was the name of Jasper's horse in the Civil war ?"

"I'm glad you're asking a question Emmett , may I phone a family member ?"

"Sure – who'd you like to pick ?

Esme

Alice

Perry the Platypus ?"

"Alice and why is Perry the Platypus on there , he isn't family?" He asked .

"CAUSE HE IS DICKWARD SO GET USED TO IT !"

"Okay…"

"Right Alice is on the phone ." I said .

"Hi Alice , do you know the name of Jasper's horse from his Civil war days ?" He asked Pixie .

"YES ! CONFEDERATE !" She chirped .

"Thanks ."

The phone call ended .

"Confederate ?"

"Correct , now fuck off !" He obeyed and I called Jasper.

"Hey , come here Baby Goth!" I said before hanging up .

He sat in the seat and I asked the first question .

" How many armpit hairs does Carlisle eat a day?"

"None ?" He answered .

"Wrong , 18 , how many pillows does Edward murder a day ?"

"Depends how many times him and Bella have sex ."

"Correct , how many monkey's fit up Carlisle's arse cheeks ?"

"Seven ?"

"No none , looser !"

"How big is Edwards dick ?"

"Why gay lord ?"

"Fuck off and answer the god damn question!"

"Can I phone a friend ?"

"Sure , would you like to call :

Scooby Doo

Bella

Alice ?"

"Um , Bella ." I'd hoped he'd say that .

"Bella's on the phone ." I confirmed .

"Hi Bella , first off all I'd like to say sorry or this but anyways , how big is Edward's dick ?"

"I'm a virgin ." She replied back .

"Yeah right , Nessie's adopted is she ?" I threw in .

"Shut up Emmett , you're not allowed to make fun of my sex life any more , I won the arm wrestling and all the rematches . " She said back .

"That's only cuz your newborn , when you're not I'm gonna whip ya' ass!" I said back .

"Right , wasting time here , Bella what's the answer ."

"Um , he probably doesn't know so it's either 'baby dick' or 'no dick at all' you pick yourself ."

The call was disconnected .

"My answer is : He doesn't have one – but he does cause he wouldn't able to have Nessie and earlier on in the game show you said he knocked up a random human chick ."

"Correct!" I said smirking "But why does he not have one ?"

"Cause you chewed it off ?" He said .

"No , cause who chewed it off ?"

"Bella ?" He questioned .

"No Santa ." I said .

**OKAY , HOPE U ENJOYED THAT!**

**SORRY THE WAN'T ANY COMMEICALS : (**

**IF U GUYS CAN HELP ME THINK OFF THEM THEN I'LL ADD THEM IF THEY'RE FUNNY ENOUGH …. BUT DON'T PUT YOUR NAME AS ANNOYNOMOUS IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT IF YOU R GONNA CREATE AN IDEA CUZ I NEED 2 SAY WHO OWNS IT .**

**PEOPLE WITH AND WITHOUT ACCOUNTS ARE ALLOWED TO DO THIS !**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**LEAVE YOUR REVIEWS AND IDEAS AND WHAT U THOUGHT OF THE CHAPTER IN THE COMMENTS OR IF U HAVE AN ACCOUNT PM ME , I'M WILLING 2 TALK 2 U AND PROMISE TO REPLY WITHIN 24 HOURS …..YEAH I'M A LONER ….LOL…REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5-Denali's and feedback

** OKAY REVIEW!**

**WHO WANTS TO BE A VAMPINAIRE **

**EMMETTS POV**

"Hey Guy's look," I said walking into the living room where all my family and Jacob were . "We got feedback from our show!"

"Awesome ! " Jazz exclaimed .

"Read some out." Carlisle reported.

"Deer Cullen's ,

WE ARE SO GONNA BE THE NEXT CONTESTENTS , WE LOVE IT! WE ARE ON OUR WAY OVER !~DENALI COVEN

Your game show is very random , but I love it ! Please air another episode soon? ~ Mary

Is Renesmee old enough to see this show , it involves her father's penis ? Anyway , as random and unexpected as it is , it is fabulous ! Very amusing ! Please update soon? ~ Egyptian Coven .

MORE! ~ Peter and Charlotte

"We should continue this!" Esme responded .

Everyone nodded and there was a knock at the door .

"Your next continents are here!" Tanya exclaimed .

"Let's get started then!" I boomed.

"Hello I'm Emmett Cullen and you are Yogi bear , welcome to episode two of WHO WANTS TO BE A VAMPINAIRE? . Let's meet today's contestants .

"Hello I'm Tanya and I am leader of the Denali coven!" Tanya reported.

"Hi Tanya , is it true because your unmated you spend your day masturbating and dreaming of Caius Volturi?" I asked .

"WHY WOULD I DREAM OF THAT SICK BASTAD?"

"Cause you love him , moving on ."

"Hello I'm Garret and I am mated to Kate , I also love Panda bears ."

"Garret , do you dress up as bunnies and pole dance in the zoo ?" I asked.

"YES AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT!"

"And next we have …"

"Hello , I'm Eleazar and I am mated to Carmen ."

"WHY DO YOU LOVE GIVING BLOW JOBS?"

"I don't ."

"DO YOU EAT GRASS?"

"No Emmett , I most certainly do not eat grass ."

"Moving on ."

"I'm Kate and I am mated to Garret."

"Is it true you enjoy watching Aro and Sulicipa engage in sexual intercourse ?"

"No , is it true you are too much of a pussy to let me try my gift out on you ?"

"No ."

"FINE I'LL DO IT THEN. READY EMMETT?"

"Yup!" Oh fuck , oh I know! " *coughs * Bella , shield me ?"

"YOU MADE ME ANSWER EMBARASSING QUESTIONS SO FUCK YOU EMMETT EMBRACE THE PAIN!" Bella yelled .

OH FUCK THAT KILLS!

"OKAY AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK WE WILL PLAY THE GAME!"

Carlisle comes on the screen dressed as a doctor , he has no idea this was going to happen , he's at work talking to the receptionist about an appointment . Some random dude comes on the screen and he runs around the main entrance yelling "HELP , I'VE BEEN BITTEN , I'VE BEEN BITTEN!" Carlisle panics and screams and tries to help him but sees nothing is there but a love bite …. Across the bottom in small writing it says : _'this is not an advert and entirely for your amusement!_

**THIS IS IMPORTANT :**

**I NEED SOME IDEAS 4 ADVERTS , I WILL SAY WHO THOUGHT OF THE IDEA , MORE I GET THE MORE I UPDATE .**

**I WANT REVIEWS!**

**IN REVIEWS , I WANT ADVERT IDEAS AND TELL ME WHAT U THOUGHT OF THE STORY!**

**U DON'T HAVE 2 THU , UR CHOICE , BUT I WUD APRECIATE IT!**

**SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6- Denali's game and Jane

**Sorry I have not updated in a while, here's the next chapter.**

**Send in ideas if you want.**

**Who wants to be a vampinaire? **

**Emmett's POV**

"Hello I am Emmett Cullen and I do hope you enjoyed the commercials , right let's get ready to play!"

"Okay round 1 , every point is worth 50 blood bags ,you cannot pass on a question as all have to be answered weather right or wrong, buzz in if you know the answer." They all nodded .

"Question 1: How many pubes does Madonna have in her ear?" I asked .

"None." Eleazar replied after pressing his buzzer.

"Wrong , three , How many people work for Aro Volturi whom are obsessed with Barbie ?"

"One." Carmen stated.

"Correct , name that person ?" I said smirking.

"Jane." Tanya answered.

"Correct , question 5 ….."

**Jane's POV (the Volturi are watching as the Cullen's do there show live)**

"YOU ARSEHOLE!"

HOW COULD ALEC TELL EVERYONE I AM OBBSESSED WITH BARBIE?"

"What?" My brother asked , yeah like he's gonna get away with this shit!

"YOU TOLD EVERYONE I'M OBSESSED WITH BARBIE AND THAT I FINGER MYSELF OVER KEN?" I shirked.

"Err , I only told everyone you were obsessed with Barbie , I didn't even know you , um , fingered yourself….." Alec announced awkwardly .

"Oh." I whispered.

Everyone erupted into laughter .

"Correct Question 5 , who eats their own underwear whom are in the Volturi?"

"Alec?" Answered Garrett.

"Correct." Said Emmett Cullen.

I laughed along with the rest of the castle members.

**Emmett's POV**

"Correct , end of round 1 , you have won : 150 blood bags!" I grinned at the camera . "After this commercial break we shall play round two!"

Commercial break:

A title across the screen came up – _A regular shopping day with Alice…_

It showed Alice literally dragging Bella from store to store until they stopped at a certain store .

"Ooh Bella , I need to teach you something extremely important about buying this product!" Alice chirped , seriousness in her face. "Tampons."

Bella looked horrified .

"Now this is a tampon Bella , when a woman Is ovulating she inserts this into her vagina to stop the blood staining their clothes." Alice said taking a tampon from a box .

Bella raised her hands in protest . "Alice , I know how to use Tampons….."

"Yes but not the proper way – so this is an applicator – it just helps you insert it ." Alice then walked off an came back with a naked woman (her name is Penelope , Alice doesn't know her) . "So you insert it like this…."

"Alice, vampires don't even get periods!" Bella cried .

"I know that , if they did we wouldn't have to hunt , the girls anyway." Alice said pulling the tampon out of Penelope .

"Why would they not have to hunt?" Asked Bella.

"Cause they could just lick themselves , so as I was saying , you put the tampon –"

Bella ran away….

Across the bottom in small writing : This is not an advert and entirely for your amusement . If you would like more footage of Alice at the mall please tell us in reviews!

**OKAY REVIEW , IF YOU WANT MORE ALICE AT THE MALL MOMENTS THEN REVIEW AND TELL ME!**

**REVIEW!**


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